Many people date over long periods today. Why does a lasting relationship so often fail to form?
Because the goal subtly shifts. Instead of a partnership, success is increasingly defined by connections, matches, and activity. Psychologically, willingness to commit declines. Dating stays active, but a relationship doesn’t emerge.
You say partner-finding isn’t a process, but a moment. What do you mean by that?
Partner-finding is the moment when a suitable person enters our field of perception. This can be a suggestion from an online dating platform or a real-life encounter, for example in a coffee shop. That moment is rare and not guaranteed.
Why is this moment so decisive?
Because a relationship begins exactly there. If this moment is recognized and seized, a relationship can form. If it’s overlooked or not utilized, it is often irretrievably lost.
Why is this moment not recognized as often today?
Because many people are simultaneously dating around, comparing, and nurturing several connections at once. When choosing from many profiles, the moment is often not recognized or not given enough weight.
What role does multi-tracking play in this?
When people pursue multiple contacts at once, they stay in evaluation mode. Attention and emotional presence are spread thin, and a relationship can’t solidify. Psychological studies show that even simply imagining alternatives reduces the ability to commit to a relationship. Willingness to commit declines even before a conscious decision is made. Dating apps promote this process, so more and more users get stuck in the apps but don’t form relationships. Sometimes we experience this as inner emptiness, delete the dating app, only to reinstall it later.
Why does multi-tracking feel attractive at first?
It’s exciting, stimulating, and provides short-term validation. It’s suitable for casual encounters, flirting, and variety, but not for building stable intimate relationships. By multi-tracking, we gain more contacts but miss the moment of finding a partner.
Can you explain this link between multi-tracking and missing partner-finding in more detail?
Partner-finding is the moment when a suitable person enters our field of vision. If we’re selecting from many profiles or using multiple contacts, we often don’t recognize this moment or don’t act on it. We keep dating without finding love, or we lose a budding relationship because we won’t stop dating.
Do you observe this pattern in your practical work as well?
Yes. In dating coaching, it frequently shows up that relationships end after a few months because one or both partners never actually stop dating. Attachment remains unstable even though there was a real opportunity at the start. Ending the dating phase is an inner act of decision that has a major impact on the course of a relationship. Only then does emotional focus emerge. Without this step, a relationship stays provisional and easily replaceable. Sociologist Zygmunt Bauman speaks of “Liquid Love,” a form of interchangeable and provisional love that is fostered by the structure of modern dating systems.
What fundamentally distinguishes your platform Gleichklang from gay dating apps?
Gleichklang, for 19 years, has been optimized not for platform usage but for the emergence of relationships. There are no mass profiles, no reward loops, and no structurally promoted multi-tracking. Instead, values, life goals, and relationship models are the central criteria for matching. The platform is designed so that the moment of partner-finding can be recognized and used, rather than being overwhelmed by constant comparison. This, however, also means that a great deal of patience and waiting for suggestions is necessary. From these few suggestions, though, relationships often grow.
Is Gleichklang conservative because sex isn’t the focus?
No. Gleichklang is sex-positive, but it clearly distinguishes between sexuality and relationship. Psychologically, they are different processes with different selection criteria. Those seeking a relationship need different structures than those seeking sexual connections. Sexuality can be part of a relationship, but it does not substitute for the prerequisites of attachment, reliability, and shared life planning.
What role does the question of free versus paid dating services play in this context?
Free services reduce commitment. People sign up out of boredom, curiosity, or without a clear intention to form a relationship. The diversity of motives complicates partner-finding for everyone. Paid services act as a psychological filter and increase the seriousness of participation. Free structures promote comparison and multi-tracking. Yet, a relationship can form when the focus is directed toward a single person.
Are gay men especially affected by these dynamics?
In the gay context, dating apps have taken on a particularly central social function. They enable many connections, but they also create constant comparison, hope for even better profiles, and a sense of interchangeability, which depresses willingness to commit.
From a psychological perspective, what is the decisive step in partner-finding?
To recognize the moment when a suitable person enters our field of vision, then shift all attention to that person and explore a potential shared future, and begin building the relationship. From that moment, remove all dating apps to allow the chance for a sustainable loving relationship.
