Why Queer Sex Is Better

For many people, it can be worthwhile to explore one’s own sexual fantasies. They often connect to deeper needs and desires. Fantasies can express a longing for security, adventure, surrender, or the indulgence of power and control. Some people dream of deep emotional bonds. They want to feel—and let themselves be felt—during sex. Others imagine role-playing, wild sex in a group, or trying out new positions and practices. The ideas do not have to become reality. It’s not uncommon for fantasies to include elements of violence. People dream of practices they might find shocking or dangerous in real life. Many feel ashamed of these thoughts and keep them to themselves.

Very few people have lately spent as much time engaging with women’s sexual fantasies as Gillian Anderson, the 58-year-old actress and author who recently came out as pansexual. Anderson explained that she is “pan, i.e., pansexual, in the sense of: attracted to all genders” (TheColu.mn reported). The American-born actress (known for series like Sex Education and The X-Files) grew up in a conservative milieu. In her youth she had a relationship with a female classmate, which she had to keep secret (TheColu.mn reported). Today she lives in London with her three children.

Secret sexual dreams

Two years ago, Anderson published the bestseller want (TheColu.mn reported). The book contains many secret sexual dreams of women with different identities, from various countries and social backgrounds. The texts were written by cis and trans women, by people who identify as lesbian, bisexual, asexual, nonbinary, pansexual, aromantic, heterosexual, or queer. The book was a huge success. On tour, Anderson spoke with many readers, and she also received feedback from men. The men told her they had learned a lot from the book, that they “now felt they understood women better,” as the author notes in the foreword to her new book more (Amazon Affiliate Link). After the release of want, Anderson received many letters that led her to produce a follow-up with more.

In the new collection of pieces, women not only share their sexual ideas but also explain why they have them. Right at the start of more, women write that they would rather have sex with women than with men. “A guy can bring me flowers, chocolates, meet my family, win over my friends.” But with a girl, everything feels more fulfilling: “When a girl smiles at me, I have butterflies in my stomach for a whole week.”

“I feel completely free”

Another woman recounts her relationship with an ex-boyfriend: “He would lick me; I would orgasm quickly, then he would f— me. It was routine and after ten minutes it was all over.” Even though there were men who licked her, she emphasizes that “my orgasm wasn’t because of the men.” When her ex kissed her, she imagined it was a kiss from a woman. Eventually she split from her boyfriend and now lives with a woman: “I feel completely free. I love my partner, I love our sex, and it lasts a lot longer than ten minutes.”

Similarly, a woman who identifies as bisexual argues that “queer sex is different—and not just anatomically.” In her perception and experience, heterosexual sex “is still a mating act, while with a woman I’m not bearing offspring but literally making love.” She has chosen a lesbian relationship. Her reasoning includes preferring to “savor a tasty candy rather than sticking a lollipop in my mouth that may have fallen in the dirt.”

Role-playing with the lesbian boss

Role-playing is also popular. An Irish police officer explains she’s attracted to colleagues in uniform—particularly when their rank is higher than hers (she likes women with power and authority). In her fantasy, her boss (also a lesbian) summons her to her office during a night shift, handcuffs her, then bends her over the desk and turns her on. When she’s truly aroused to the point of dripping, she wants her boss to drain her with a strap-on.

But not all women have the courage to turn their fantasies about a lesbian relationship into real life. “Because I am married, I can only satisfy my needs in my imagination,” one woman says. Perhaps she will never be with a woman, and the thought aches. She longs to touch a woman and be touched by her. She reads many “books about women who love women,” and while doing so, she loses herself in thought. She loves her husband, but she feels part of her is not getting enough.

Some lesbian women lack the courage

A woman from Canada emphasizes at the outset that she is married to a man and has children. Professionally successful as well. Yet in her fantasy, everything is very different. She dreams of being alone on a beach with a fictitious female friend. Later in a hotel, the pretend girlfriend “grabs my face and kisses me passionately.” But she cannot live this dream. The fantasy leaves a “burning sense of guilt” because her current life with the man and the children isn’t enough for her.

Another woman has known since the eighth year of life that she is lesbian. “While all my friends loved male actors and pop stars, I wondered why no one mentioned women. Why did no one crave kissing them?” She worried something was wrong with her. She tried to hide the lesbian part of herself and dated men—an effort that went catastrophically wrong. Now 32, she has never been with a woman. She writes that she is full of fear of rejection and failure, so she keeps women at a distance: “Sometimes I feel I would rather find a serial killer than a girlfriend. And at thirty-two, I’m convinced I’ll die alone.”

“I’m deeply ashamed of who I am”

A related thread follows a woman who longs for lesbian sex. “For years I suppressed who I truly am, because deep down I know I am queer, but I can’t live it, out of fear of how my family will react.” During masturbation she always thinks of women—and when she climaxes, she often cries, she writes. In her fantasy she kisses another woman and has intense sex with her.

At the same time, she is overwhelmed by shame. “I am deeply ashamed of who I am and what I want, and that paralyzes me so much that I don’t even talk to women for fear of coming out. How on earth could I ever get what I want?” The lesbian woman writes that she fears she’ll die without ever having such a connection. She also fears that one day she might marry a man, after having told herself that that’s what she wants, even though it’s only what she’s felt pressured into.

Some fantasies cannot be realized

One trans woman dreams of being impregnated by her cis partner. For the two of them there is a monthly period they call the “pregnant me” week, “when our hormones surge and we want nothing more than to be fucked so hard by the other that pregnancy would finally occur.”

The wish for a penis

Several texts present the desire for a penis: “When I roll onto my stomach, slide my hand between my legs, and touch myself, I imagine how I would fuck my girlfriend with my cock in a thousand different ways,” one woman writes. She longs to be intimately connected with her girlfriend. “As a queer woman who has had relationships with other women, that fantasy initially made me uncomfortable—as if I were denying my sexuality,” the woman says. She used to be often jealous of men and the way they can have sex with women. But now she understands that desire is much more complex.

Hetero sex as a tool of power

In more than a few texts, the focus is on how women suffer under toxic masculinity. Many men “do not see women as equal partners anymore, but as inferior subjects created to be subdued and sexually controlled.” Hetero sex is described as “a tool of power, a duty and no longer an expression of love. Bodies have become objects, rather than the subject of caring, tender exploration,” one piece says. There are also letters from women who adopt a male-centric mindset. One woman declares: “I want to take the power of a man and use his body for my own pleasure, without regard to his, and I want to feel that in a concrete way.” She writes that she enjoys “the idea of taming and torturing men by controlling when they come. I want them to beg for release, just for my pleasure.” She adds that she wants a penis: “Being the aggressive one—the penetrator—rather than the one who gets penetrated is something entirely different.”

Another woman secretly uses a strap-on. “Sometimes I wear it under my clothes when I’m alone at home, do my chores, and walk around with that feeling between my legs; then I get so horny that I have to stop working and masturbate,” reads one entry.

“Sometimes I am the mistress”

An older woman explains that her fantasies have shifted in recent years. She is no longer powerless: “Now I have total control. Sometimes I am the mistress.” He is her slave and must obey every one of her orders. Another woman fantasizes having men completely in her hand, provoking them as long as she pleases. She wants to be desired, “the object of their sexual satisfaction, without a single touch.” With this fantasy, the writer says, “I reclaim my body after I was sexually abused as a child. When I watch these men masturbate in front of me, I feel invincible, because I know I have the situation completely under control and my body is safe from them.”

Consumed by gay sex

The idea of being in a same-sex relationship is especially compelling for some. “You could even say I’m obsessed with gay sex.” The way gay men conduct their sex lives feels to her “so erotic, sensual and at once intense, yet carried by a carefree ease.” She wants to understand why she finds gay sex so arousing: “Is it the lack of pressure, the zero risk of pregnancy? Or do power dynamics, patriarchy, etc., in male–male relationships create a more equal, on-even-ground encounter? Is this the deciding factor for healthier sex?” What she wants most is a sense of equality.

Another woman explains her fantasy as a desire to be seen. Not watched. Not judged. Just seen. Far too much of her life has involved masking herself or playing roles that others expected of her. She has often worn a mask to the point that she forgets what lies beneath. But what she longs for above all is simply to be herself.

The book is worth reading, because many fantasies reveal how important it is to break out of the restraints of social and gender expectations. To close, a line from a queer woman: “Since I allowed myself to live as a queer person, my fantasies have become much more varied, exciting, and free.”