Hetero-Alarm in Rainbow Families

As Loriot’s legendary cinema comedy “Ödipussi” (1988) famously put it: “Men are probably the most primitive, dumbest, and most vile things that roam around.” That sentiment roughly captures the stance of Balbina Augustin (Brigitte Hobmeier), one half of the Viennese lesbian pair in “So haben wir dich nicht erzogen.” She is currently busy drafting a feminist version of the Bible. Her partner Inka Schaller (Gerti Drassl) is fed new passages to read, sometimes approving, sometimes snarky in her commentary. The two appear to have built a comfortable life in a large house with a garden, but it doesn’t take long before it becomes clear that beneath the beautiful surface, a host of conflicts is simmering.

The conflicts all come to the surface when their daughter Hedwig (Alina Schaller) finally, really finally, wants to introduce her new boyfriend, Andreas (Julian Pichler). Hedwig has long suspected that things might not go smoothly, given that she has mostly had relationships with women up to now. But Andreas wants to marry her and is desperate to have the blessing of his girlfriend’s two moms.

Until everything really spirals out of control

Hedwig invites Edgar (Thomas Mraz), the quasi-father—gay, a pastor, and partnered with another pastor—hoping to get some help cushioning the blow. He’s a longtime friend of Inka and, years ago, served in official capacities as Balbina’s stand-in father, while the two women fulfilled their desire to have children through sperm donation. Still, Balbina can’t stand him, really can’t stand him.

When Hedwig finally introduces Andreas, everyone initially tries to keep their heads above water, but it doesn’t last long. The young people retreat to the next room, while Edgar tries to mediate. Then, unexpectedly, Andreas’ parents from Tyrol arrive in traditional dress (even planning to attend a Tyrolean ball in Vienna), which sends the situation completely off the rails.

Inversion of the usual constellation

The TV co-production from ORF and BR clearly takes its cue from the American classic “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” (1967), in which a young white woman from a privileged background invites an African American man to dinner at her parents’ home, where he asks for her hand. That film was bold for its time, as interracial marriage had only recently become legal in many parts of the United States, and it is now regarded as one of the first movies to portray such a pairing in a positive light, supported by the stars Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn in the roles of the finally tolerant parents.

“So haben wir dich nicht erzogen” operates in a somewhat different league by comparison. From a queer perspective, it presents a reversal of the traditional setup: the young gay man brings his boyfriend to the heterosexual parents, the young lesbian woman brings her girlfriend home, in the hope of obtaining their blessing for both the coming-out and the relationship.

Heteros easy, queers difficult?

To make Hedwig’s coming-out pose a challenge comparable in scale to her mothers’ inner one, the peculiarities of the two women have to be exaggerated to a degree that occasionally tests the film’s credibility. But that’s the nature of a comedy. What’s ironic is that it’s the heterosexuals who come off as relaxed and tolerant, while the two complex queer women must be persuaded to give the young couple a chance. That message sits uneasily in today’s climate, when there are still many people who feel unsettled and intolerant toward queer lives.

But ultimately the film seems to be about something else. As actor Thomas Mraz puts it in the accompanying press materials: “We live in a time when individuality matters a great deal, which is a good development. At the same time, I sense that society has grown touchier, and that some people get offended quickly when you hold different opinions. This charged mood isn’t good — you need to be able to tolerate differing viewpoints and beliefs.” It’s a laudable stance, but easier to pull off in a TV comedy with a happy ending than in real life. Especially for queer people who, today more than ever, face opinions they can only react to with resistance.