The Fifth Column: Confusing Straight People and the Heterosexist World

We’d like to welcome our newest contributor, Garrett Hoffman. He’s blogging his transition at transformgarrett.blogspot.com Garrett is, in his words, “a 20-something queer (homo) (straight) female to male transsexual (transgender person) (tranny) using his wit and charm as vehicles to share his life experiences on his blog. This winter-lovin’ 100% Minnesotan tranny boy likes rugby, running, guitar and beautiful femmes.” A 2008 graduate of Carleton College, he now spends his time working at a small property management company, eradicating sexual violence at the Sexual Violence Center and building a stronger and more inclusive queer community in Minneapolis

Part 1

As a tranny, I find that I often times confuse people that live “normal” lives in our heterosexist world. Generally, this leads to a very entertaining conversation. Recently, I called the Northwest Airline’s ticket counter to figure out what I needed to be able to fly if my name had been changed since the time I purchased the ticket. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello sir. I changed my name and I want to make sure I can still get on the plane to San Diego next month.

NWA Ticket Man: Did you get married?

Me: No.

NWA Ticket Man: Why did you change your name? What happened?

Me: I just decided to change my name.

NWA Ticket Man: Ok…What is your confirmation number and new name?

Me: _ _ _ _ _ _ and Garrett.

NWA Ticket Man: Karen?

Me: No, Garrett

NWA Ticket Man: Oh, you’re a boy!

Me: Um, yes.

NWA Ticket Man: Your mom named you Mallory? That sucks!

Here is what I was thinking while having this conversation with this bro.

“I have a feeling you may be a douche!”

At least he was good for a long, hard laugh. You can’t make this stuff up. Priceless!

Part 2

I called Wells Fargo to change the name on my credit card (note: I DO NOT bank with Wells Fargo, I simply use their generous line of credit). The lovely southern belle who answered the phone was quite helpful and promptly informed me that she was sending the necessary paperwork right then and there. I was initially impressed with the lack of intrusive questions and nosiness on her part until the very end of the conversation. She asked, “Miss, should I add your husband to your account as well?”

UGH.

Had it not been at 7 am when this conversation went down I’m sure I could have come up with a snarky and hilarious answer to that question but alas, it was early and I had left my wit and charm in my bed with my stuffed animals to rest up for that evening. I quickly stated that I did not have a husband, was not married and even if I was married my husband would never ever be allowed to be added to my credit card for fear that he would rack up the bill, leave me, and flee to Mexico never to be heard of again because boys are icky and they do that. Then I wished her a good day and hung up.

Now, let’s compare the way Wells Fargo handled this situation with the way that my actual bank handled the same situation. (note: I actually bank with Private Bank of Minnesota. They are stellar. If you are feeling exploited/cheated by your bank you may want to consider the switch.) When I called Private Bank I was directed to my private banker who answered the phone, knew my old name, remembered me, asked me what I changed my name to, right away began calling me Garrett, and sent the paperwork (1st class mail – arrived the next day) for me to sign. No questions, no assumptions. It was refreshing, although it doesn’t necessarily make for an entertaining story. Oh well, it’s nice to feel like a “normal” person every once in a while.