Where do you hold on to your emotions? Where, physically, do you feel them? What do you feel in your body when you emote? I think these are important questions to ask yourself if only to be able to better recognize what is happening when you are having a feeling…if only to gather more information about you and your body. I felt out of place in my own body for the first 23 years of my life. I am happy to report that, finally, I am able to ask myself these questions, be present, and really feel what it’s like to live in my body.

Garrett Hoffman is blogging his transition at transformgarret.blogspot.com. You can read the rest of his posts here, and ask him questions about his transition here.

I hold my emotions right behind my eyes. I can feel most of them there. Sadness, anger, fear, restlessness, excitement, contentment…all these things reside in the space directly behind my face. I feel anxiety in my hands and jealousy oozes from all parts of my body. Other than those outliers, my feelings generally congregate in the same place.

Back when my Testosterone levels were that of a genetic female, the space behind my eyes would fill up and the emotions would flow out. Simple physics. Tearing up, frustrated temper tantrums, angry dances, even eye twitches all signaled to me that an emotional catharsis was imminent. Then it would happen and I would feel better.

Recently, I have noticed that metaphorical space filling up. Despite my efforts, I have been unable to release the built up pressure. I am encroaching upon a large transitional period in my life. I am about to have top surgery in California, move to Missouri, start a new job and begin graduate school. This is all going to happen in the span of less than a month. I, understandably, am having feelings about all of this. I feel anxious and scared about surgery (and the almost nightly nightmares are not helping). I am worried about moving to a place where I know quite literally nobody. I am so so sad about leaving Minneapolis, my friends, and my community. I am angry at myself for not planning this transition better. I fear something (the unforeseeable) will happen and my plan will all go to shit. Case and point. My emotional space should be overflowing.

Yet it isn’t. I want so badly to be able to cry and let all of this crap out but I cannot. I feel it all, I see it all, I know it is all there and I understand all of it but the catharsis that so easily came before is now elusive. I feel like there is a thick pane of glass lodged right behind my eyes. This actually makes intellectualizing and processing my feelings easier. I can almost objectively analyze and describe them. This glass case, however, makes releasing these pent up emotions seemingly impossible. I am screaming inside. The backs of my eyes feel like they are bleeding tears but nothing will squeeze through to the surface. It’s frustrating and I really don’t know what to do.

The irony of the whole situation is that I spent so much time in my estrogen days trying to suppress the emotions I was feeling. I felt so weak and helpless when I cried and I never wanted to feel that way. I stuffed everything down and it would all come out anyway (although not always in healthy ways). Now, after realizing it takes real strength to show vulnerability, I cannot do what I want and need to do. Go figure.

All of this makes sense. I know what’s happening and trust that I will find ways to cope with everything in my life. Most of it is happy, after all. Come August, I will be at a new school, at a rockin new job, in a new city (ok, ok, it’s a town) and have a new chest. This is everything I have always wanted. Leaving Minneapolis will suck balls, but life is full of moves and transitions and new friends and new communities and I will be fine. Getting there, feeling everything, and adjusting will be the hard parts. I write this post not only to try and explain what is going on with me to you but also to try and hash it out for myself. I am still trying to figure this out. Mark this one under “things your doctor doesn’t tell you about T”.

Related posts:

1. The Fifth Colu.mn: New (Hairy) Ways of Life
2. The Fifth Column: The Dreaded Period
3. The Fifth Column: Mama Bear
4. The Fifth Column: How Was High School?
5. The Fifth Column: Bathroom Culture*