The Fifth Colu.mn: New (Hairy) Ways of Life
When I realized I was transgender it felt like my world crumbled beneath my feet. I was overcome with emotions. My thoughts seemed almost manic and scattered. My inevitable path seemed much too long and arduous to even begin to conquer. I was essentially in shock. What was I going to do?
Garrett Hoffman is blogging his transition here at TheColu.mn and at transformgarrett.blogspot.com. See his previous posts here.
Well, I don’t know about you but when my thoughts and emotions are too complicated and overwhelming to deal with internally, I write them down and process externally. What began as my “Tranny Journal” actually turned into my “Pros and Cons of Taking Hormones” journal. The front contained the pros (deeper voice, bigger muscles, being perceived as male, fat redistribution, increased libido, increased energy level, NO MORE TAMPONS!) and the back contained the cons (acne, having to quit women’s rugby, losing my ability to sing a high F, etc). After I had constructed these lists there was one inevitable consequence of T over which I was having some extreme cognitive dissonance.
Hair.
I feel the need to add a disclaimer to this post. I am not in any way judging anybody based on their hair preference. I do not really have feelings one way or the other about other peoples’ hair choices. I think some hairy people are beautiful. I also think some people that shave are beautiful. It all depends on how comfortable you are with your body. If you want to or don’t want to shave who am I to tell you really anything about or judge you for your choices?
I started shaving in 5th grade. I even shaved my arms. I learned early that I loved the feeling of smooth shaven skin and so did everyone else with whom I went to school. I was terrified of being ridiculed for being “that girl” that didn’t shave. Having hairy legs was disgusting and that was definitely a label I did not want associated with me. I shaved every single day from middle school up until a few months ago. I never wanted to be hairy ever. Now, I’m not so sure.
I’ve talked to a lot of pre-T trans guys who are very excited about growing a beard. I am going to be honest and say that I am not super psyched about that particular effect of T. I have very little experience with body or facial hair, being Mr. Blondy McBlueyes. My tummy hair however is beginning to darken and lengthen. Everywhere else I am still pretty blonde and peach-fuzzy.
Here is an accomplishment for the record books: I have armpit hair that is over 1 cm long! The fact that it can even get that long amazes me daily! Before starting T I thought that I would be most grossed out by having armpit hair and vowed to always shave however I figured I probably should try growing it out before dismissing it completely. I might feel undecided about other types of body and facial hair but I am LOVING the hairy pits! It makes me feel so manly and strong even though I rarely see it and definitely don’t feel it at all throughout my day. Knowing that it is there however, is enough.
Despite my being turned off to body hair as a youth, I think I can learn to love it. I know that I need to take it one step at a time. While working on the armpit hair growth I have decided to continue to shave my legs. This is a slow process and learning strategies to decrease overwhelming feelings is the trick to making a smooth transition. Maybe I will always shave my legs. Maybe not. I am treating this as a learning experience and using it as a way to try out new (hairy) ways of life.
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